Tuesday, 7 February 2012

I've got scars

Well, first of all - Trivium was amazing. That goes without saying. I met the band and they were all so sweet, classy and fantastic - I'm still high on life about it! And the show, of course, was outstanding! :)

On another note.. my scars are awful. I just took the steri-strips off my wrist, and yeah, it looks horrific. Some of the scars are going to be smaller than what I would have expected (yay!) but there's a lot.. and some big, noticeable ones. Hopefully they'll fade quickly. Until then, I'll be wearing my Trivium wristband every day <3

Speaking of Trivium, because I don't want to taint their band by mentioning them on a blog of this nature - the show, and meeting them has totally inspired me to pick up my guitar again! I'm re-obessessed with it!

Saturday, 28 January 2012


It's Saturday night.

On Tuesday, this Tuesday, not only do I get to attend an AMAZING and AWESOME Trivium concert with my best friends - but I scored MEET & GREET TICKETS!

In 3 days I GET TO MEET TRIVIUM! Which, obviously, totally includes the love of my life and reason for my being, Mr. MATT HEAFY!

I'm really starting to flip my shit.. so much so that it's giving me panic attacks! I just CANT FCKING WAIT!

I just hope I can stay calm, get out what I plan to say, and get a hug or two and at least one good picture where I don't look fat or ugly! haha


Friday, 27 January 2012


&Yah, ;ike it says.. im a hammered show.. i keep tryna shake it off. Also, I cut ot==tonight. blaaaaaahhhhhhh I am such scum! "

the other night i dreamt that i lost control of my car (i think i need to barf) and I crqashed into a barrier... i went flying into the water andw was all "damn im gonna die.. im so sorry Mom, that all I ever was, was a loser who died young" pretty much.. and then I landed in the water.. and my ma has a flashlight thats built to break car windows, and I wished I had that.. and then I respawned, like in a video game.

crap. I dont want to b e drunk right now. Ihas a doctors appointment@! in the afternoon.. maybe ill be all lik e :LOOK AR THIS"

Edit @ 8:30am:



I need like, a sponsor to help me!!!!!!! AAGHHH I WANT TO CUT!!!!!

Thursday, 26 January 2012

I didn't do it!

so, it's 8 am after I posted the last post last night, and I managed not to cut myself! Horray!
I'm glad I didn't, partly because now that I'm not drunk and I can feel my wrist again, it effing hurts. I also just banged it on the side of my computer so that didn't help.

It makes me feel like a little bitch when I whine about my SELF INFLICTED wounds hurting. hahaha.

Wednesday, 25 January 2012

My biggest trigger

I've had a couple of beers,
and I really want to cut right now.
Why do I like it so much?
It's difficult - because it hurts, but I can do it.
Maybe that's why.
Also, I like how it looks when I bleed.
And be it because of the booze or the advil I took,
I can't feel how much my wrist already hurts anymore.
I should probably stop drinking alone.
My God I want to cut right now.

I got into RYL forums

Finally registering worked (for recoveryourlife.com), here's my post from today:

I went into town today and I milled about the clinic for a while. I couldn't figure out what to say.. so I went to the pharmacy and spent $50 on first aid stuff. I bought steri-strips (like butterfly bandages), some sterile bandages, bandaids, mederma scar gel and saline wound wash. 

Obviously a bandaid isn't going to fix it - but I thought since it's on my wrist, and not a joint or anything, I might be able to hold the skin together with enough steri-strips that it'll keep the scarring to a minimum. Because the nearest town to my house is very small (and without a hospital), it's not like I can walk in and remain anonymous or never see that doctor again. I just have no idea what to say. I thought about saying I slipped down the stairs from my hayloft, and caught my arm on some nails or something trying to catch myself. 

I did just realize I need to go in soon to get more asthma puffers, maybe by then it'll look a little better and at least I can get her to check for infection. 

(Someone assumed I was young, I responded to her); I'm really not that young. 23 next month (supposed to be living my 'adult life' now and am utterly failing at it. My mom's very judgemental and I think it would make all my problems worse if she found out.) 

I enjoy cutting. The more I do it, the more I seem to enjoy it. But at the same time, I hate the scars and having to hide it (yeah, I still live with my mother), and every time I do it I end up cutting deeper and deeper. So maybe this will remind me why not to, the next time I want to.. I hope.