Tuesday, 7 February 2012

I've got scars

Well, first of all - Trivium was amazing. That goes without saying. I met the band and they were all so sweet, classy and fantastic - I'm still high on life about it! And the show, of course, was outstanding! :)

On another note.. my scars are awful. I just took the steri-strips off my wrist, and yeah, it looks horrific. Some of the scars are going to be smaller than what I would have expected (yay!) but there's a lot.. and some big, noticeable ones. Hopefully they'll fade quickly. Until then, I'll be wearing my Trivium wristband every day <3

Speaking of Trivium, because I don't want to taint their band by mentioning them on a blog of this nature - the show, and meeting them has totally inspired me to pick up my guitar again! I'm re-obessessed with it!

Saturday, 28 January 2012


It's Saturday night.

On Tuesday, this Tuesday, not only do I get to attend an AMAZING and AWESOME Trivium concert with my best friends - but I scored MEET & GREET TICKETS!

In 3 days I GET TO MEET TRIVIUM! Which, obviously, totally includes the love of my life and reason for my being, Mr. MATT HEAFY!

I'm really starting to flip my shit.. so much so that it's giving me panic attacks! I just CANT FCKING WAIT!

I just hope I can stay calm, get out what I plan to say, and get a hug or two and at least one good picture where I don't look fat or ugly! haha


Friday, 27 January 2012


&Yah, ;ike it says.. im a hammered show.. i keep tryna shake it off. Also, I cut ot==tonight. blaaaaaahhhhhhh I am such scum! "

the other night i dreamt that i lost control of my car (i think i need to barf) and I crqashed into a barrier... i went flying into the water andw was all "damn im gonna die.. im so sorry Mom, that all I ever was, was a loser who died young" pretty much.. and then I landed in the water.. and my ma has a flashlight thats built to break car windows, and I wished I had that.. and then I respawned, like in a video game.

crap. I dont want to b e drunk right now. Ihas a doctors appointment@! in the afternoon.. maybe ill be all lik e :LOOK AR THIS"

Edit @ 8:30am:



I need like, a sponsor to help me!!!!!!! AAGHHH I WANT TO CUT!!!!!

Thursday, 26 January 2012

I didn't do it!

so, it's 8 am after I posted the last post last night, and I managed not to cut myself! Horray!
I'm glad I didn't, partly because now that I'm not drunk and I can feel my wrist again, it effing hurts. I also just banged it on the side of my computer so that didn't help.

It makes me feel like a little bitch when I whine about my SELF INFLICTED wounds hurting. hahaha.

Wednesday, 25 January 2012

My biggest trigger

I've had a couple of beers,
and I really want to cut right now.
Why do I like it so much?
It's difficult - because it hurts, but I can do it.
Maybe that's why.
Also, I like how it looks when I bleed.
And be it because of the booze or the advil I took,
I can't feel how much my wrist already hurts anymore.
I should probably stop drinking alone.
My God I want to cut right now.

I got into RYL forums

Finally registering worked (for recoveryourlife.com), here's my post from today:

I went into town today and I milled about the clinic for a while. I couldn't figure out what to say.. so I went to the pharmacy and spent $50 on first aid stuff. I bought steri-strips (like butterfly bandages), some sterile bandages, bandaids, mederma scar gel and saline wound wash. 

Obviously a bandaid isn't going to fix it - but I thought since it's on my wrist, and not a joint or anything, I might be able to hold the skin together with enough steri-strips that it'll keep the scarring to a minimum. Because the nearest town to my house is very small (and without a hospital), it's not like I can walk in and remain anonymous or never see that doctor again. I just have no idea what to say. I thought about saying I slipped down the stairs from my hayloft, and caught my arm on some nails or something trying to catch myself. 

I did just realize I need to go in soon to get more asthma puffers, maybe by then it'll look a little better and at least I can get her to check for infection. 

(Someone assumed I was young, I responded to her); I'm really not that young. 23 next month (supposed to be living my 'adult life' now and am utterly failing at it. My mom's very judgemental and I think it would make all my problems worse if she found out.) 

I enjoy cutting. The more I do it, the more I seem to enjoy it. But at the same time, I hate the scars and having to hide it (yeah, I still live with my mother), and every time I do it I end up cutting deeper and deeper. So maybe this will remind me why not to, the next time I want to.. I hope.

Tuesday, 24 January 2012

I need stitches

I cut myself last night, on my wrist. 3 or 4 of the cuts are really deep and I definitely need(ed) stitches on two of them - I could see the white fat tissue, and the slits are gaping open. It's been 24 hours now so it's too late for stitches. These scars are going to be giant. :(

I'm getting scared of myself again.. and embarassed, I'm going to have some giant scars right on my wrist and I'm going to have to make excuses when people ask how I did it. I'm pretty fucking mad at myself right now for causing more hideous scars.

Thursday, 19 January 2012

My heart hurts

I miss Fancy, so much.

I still can't believe she's gone. I wish it never happened.

I feel like I've lost my very soul.

Friday, 13 January 2012

I like horror movies

I like horror movies because they don't make me sad, or feel like crap! I watched two love stories today (Dear John and What's your Number?), and all they did was make me hate the world a little more, realize how unloved I am and make me feel a little shittier.

Oh, and also - yes, I believe I am a raging alcoholic. I've had enough drinks to feel at least a buzz every night this week. In fact, have I already written that?

Wow I am just super dirt. No wonder no one loves me.

I used to be funny, I swear.

Anyway - I told my best friend about my cutting the other night. She pretty much knew it already. I'm not sure telling her helped. We'll see how things go when I see her - which, unfortunately as she lives 5 hours away, will probably not be for a couple weeks yet.

I know I need to stop sucking at life, but I really have no "get up and go" at all. I just don't care.

Tuesday, 10 January 2012

Why ask all these questions?

Well, because I have two accounts online - I've just realized that all of my blog "hits" have been from me, on my other account. Fuckin shitty (I can say that because my blog is age restricted - AND NO ONE READS IT.)

At least that answers why no one would comment or be compassionate enough to help. If I saw someone's blog like this, I'd try to help. But then again I know how it feels.

I am drunk again.

I cut myself again. Really deep. On my wrist. Honestly, could totally have done with at least butterfly stitches. One cut was even going down as opposed to horizontal.. I cut the same place a lot of times.

I always like to test my strength. Sure, cutting myself is probably the worst way to do it - but it's the most accessible. Like, "this hurts? Well let's see how hard we can do it before you wuss out." And then I do it harder. Plus, I love blood.

Fuck my life. Is there any hope for me at all?

Monday, 9 January 2012

Yeah, sure, stir it up again.

Warren texted me tonight.

I hadn't been thinking much about him recently (well I have, but I've been able to not cry about it) cause I think I realized the "I miss you" I was feeling for him was really mostly for Fancy.

But he texted me tonight, kind of out of no where, and told me that he's moving. Really, really far away. So - now I'll definitely never get to see him again. And, of course, that made me really want to see him before he leaves.. in 3 weeks. Pretty fat chance of that happening. And now of course I'm thinking about being with him, and telling him that I love him.. Because even though it's unreciprocated, that's a nice thing to say right? And "one should leave no good thing unsaid, and one will have no regrets," right?

Anyway, way to stir everything up again when I thought I was just getting over you.

(6 am edit)
That makes it sound like I didn't want him to text me. Truth is, I'm always happy to hear from him. Whenever he talks to me, I'm happy. Especially when, like this time, he texts me first. He always also falls asleep or gets bored and stops texting first.. but I still enjoy talking to him. However brief and painful it might be.

I went downstairs and ate some curry and took a few shots of Vodka. I'm probably an alcoholic. I've gotten drunk every day this week. Some nights much more so than others, but would have none the less been arrested for DUI if I had been driving, every night this week. But, I ate the curry. So now I can not eat for the next two weeks, and hopefully if I see Warren I'll be skinny.

Friday, 6 January 2012

This is where I'm at.

I just had a total and complete emotional breakdown in front of my mom. I told her how much I hate my life, that I feel ashamed of myself and how much I hate myself, and that I want to kill myself every day. I started crying, and walked off to go to my room - and she continued to watch TV.

I have no one to talk to. No one that knows I'm suicidal, and no one that knows how much I hate living. I was driving home on the highway last night and I swerved my car; I wanted to try and flip it into the ditch on the shoulder, and I was testing to see how much I would have to turn the wheel. It's not much at all. I'm afraid of driving alone now because I literally think I'll do it. I just wouldn't want to end up paralyzed.

I keep having dreams where I'm lost, and I'm trying to find my horses. And I usually find them after dealing with a lot of confusion and mythical creatures. I find my Fancy. And then I wake up, and I have to remember that I won't find her. And that we weren't able to save her.

I cut myself again today. Vertically on my wrist, instead of across it. I wanted to see if I could do it slowly. I was at my friends house the other night and I got drunk, and if I had been able to take apart her razor there, I would have cut myself that night, too.

I'm alone. I'm angry. I'm hopeless and I hate my life; or, rather more to the point, I hate myself.