Resisting

   I hate the idea of the scars - they look horrible right now. I feel like I've made myself really ugly. The ones on my wrist aren't as noticeable, the ones on my leg are really disgusting. They're purple, and huge, and really don't look like an accident. I don't know how I'll ever look pretty in a dress or skirt again.

  And yet, I keep really wanting to self-harm. Ever since I cut with a razor blade, and it cut so deep, I've really wanted to do it again. I like the look of the blood. I like challenging myself, knowing that it's going to hurt but seeing how hard I can press with the blade without wussing out. But mostly, I like the blood. I keep trying to find things online, like Dark Cut 2 (flash game) where I can sort of satisfy that desire, but it doesn't really work.

   I watched Wrist Cutters: A Love Story the other day. I loved it, but I am warning you - it is *VERY TRIGGERING*. I've watched it almost every night since I first saw it. Aside from the very beginning, which REALLY makes me want to cut myself, it makes me think I might not want to kill myself. Just in case it's true, and the "afterlife" is exactly like this life, but shittier. And in the end, it evokes the idea that living is nice.

   Something else that was bothering me today was that I remembered that when I was 15, I said to myself that if I still felt this way by the Christmas of my 22nd year, that I'd off myself. I'm 22, it's Christmas, and I still feel the same way I did then. So, I don't think I want to kill myself, but that's still incredibly discouraging.

   I also dreamed about Warren last night, and we were happy.

   I'm just so sad right now.

   Finally someone from RecoverYourLife.com replied to me. She said she'd send my message along to the people who can do something about me not being able to register, and asked what was bothering me so much. I told her I love cutting myself, and that scares me.